A serious day is seriously needed. Urgently. And I have got to not be joking when I say this, regardless of April Fools.

Voja Zanetic

Led by the continuing need to prevent a decline in economic activity while  enabling a decline in the number of the newly infected, the Crisis Committee has decided that, unlike paint shops, hardware stores cannot be open to customers until the end of the pandemic and can only sell their goods through apps and delivery services. The reason for this difference in treatment of retail facilities is that Covid-19 stays on metal surfaces longer than on paint, glue, and brushes. The Crisis Committee is also considering issuing a permanent work permit for hairdressers, beauty and pedicure salons where clients are approached only from behind.

* * * * * * *

The well-informed circles from Brussels claim that a proposal is being drafted by which each EU candidate country has the obligation to visibly worsen its diplomatic relations with Russia and China. In case the deterioration of relations escalates, leading to a severance of all diplomatic relations with the Eastern powers, the Western Balkan countries will be transferred to the so-called ‘fast track’ negotiations with the EU, which will mean that their chapters will be opened without reading. There is no official response from Moscow and Beijing to these rumours as of yet, but those familiar with the situation expect brutal retaliation in the form of a reduction in Russian gas prices and an additional increase in Chinese investments in this region. Free vaccines will only be considered in the event of further escalation of pressure from the EU.

* * * * * * *

I can go on like this forever, April Fool’s Day (the day this column is published) is perfect for indulging in these jokes. And there is only one Joke Day a year, without an adequate socially glorifying ‘mirror’ in the form of, say, Serious Day. The April Fool’s Day injustice was probably based on the example of International Women’s Day, which does not have a Men’s antipode. And in the same way that bouquets cannot compensate for a year’s worth of inequality in one day, April 1st jokes cannot compensate for the lack of wit that awaits us in the remaining 364 days of the year.

There have been some solid jokes on this day. A favourite would be an ad for burgers (and toilet paper, too) specially designed for the left handed. Or the now legendary report on the spaghetti harvest in the Italian village of Ticino, as well as the news that Big Ben will get a digital display. The idea of a good April Fool’s joke is in its positioning on the border between fantasy and reality, and the insight into its success is the number of us fools who fall for it. Unlike real life, in which we believe in regardless of the date. Which actually leads us to the essence of the time we are living in. And towards the need for establishing Serious Day.

* * * * * * *

A year has passed in the idea that a bunch of uncoordinated, diverse, local measures can overcome the global scourge. We are talking, therefore, about an epidemic. But if we talk about: climate change, drastic world inequality, proxy wars… and we could go on indefinitely – the period of persistence of our civilisation’s global folly can extend to decades. Compared to the aforementioned pan-earthly foolishness, we are even less likely to grasp the long list of local idiocies evenly spread across countries of the world; a list also presented as a serious pattern to follow and live by. In short, ‘You have got to be joking’ is a sentence that is uttered on a daily basis, and only on April 1st is the answer No. Serious Day, in that case, would be the day when we would know for sure that no one is joking, no matter how absurd the statement may be.

A serious day is seriously needed. Urgently. And I have got to not be joking when I say this, regardless of April Fools.

Happy holiday to all those who celebrate.